What a Drag
by southern.dreamz
Summary: What happens when Randy Orton and John Cena join the spy game? Read this hilarious adventure to find out. This is a one shot for the LovetotheCucumber challenge. Please read and review!


**This is my entry for LoveToTheCumber's story challenge. I do not own any characters related to the WWE. I only claim OC!**

"Your balls are showing." John Cena's voice came from across the room.

Randy Orton looked down at himself, once again wondering how the holy hell he had allowed himself to be talked into this. His soon to be deceased best friend, John Cena, had gotten the absolutely brilliant idea to follow his girlfriend out on one of her famous "Girls Night Out" adventures. Of course, in John's misguided logic, it was impossible for them to simply follow the girls. It had been his ever so brilliant idea that they should go incognito. When he agreed, he'd never in a million years expected to find himself standing in front of a full length mirror dressed like a woman. The reflection staring back at him wasn't exactly half bad. It wasn't exactly half good either. He was dressed in a long tunic style dress and dark leggings. The bright blue color of the dress made his eyes more noticeable. Considering the amount of mascara and eyeliner he wore, it was a miracle. Reaching up with a newly manicured hand, Randy adjusted the bangs of his long black wig. Turning sharply away from the mirror, Randy glared at John.

"Fix it!" Randy said.

"Keep your shorts on, I'm coming." John's voice came from across the room where he was carefully slipping on a pair of low pumps. He stood up slowly, his balance slightly off. He took tiny steps across the room and came to stand in front of Randy.

John's blue eyes moved over Randy's newly acquired cleavage. The two brightly colored plastic balls they were using to fill out his bra were peeking out of the slightly plunging neckline. He grabbed a handful of Randy's dress and stuffed the balls out of sight.

"I told you we should use duct tape." Randy muttered as John's hands molded over Randy's bosom and fondled them into a more natural shape.

"Will you quit bitching? You look great." John gave Randy's boobs an extra squeeze as he stepped back with a smile.

Randy turned and gave himself one last look in the mirror. He thought he made at least a reasonably attractive woman. John, on the other hand, looked like a hot mess. His blonde wig was teased into something that resembled cotton candy. He wore a black halter top and tight red pants. Randy stared at John in wonder. How in hell he managed to get rid of the man bulge was a mystery. It was not something he was ever going to ask.

"Can we go now?" Randy asked through clenched teeth. The sooner they left, the sooner they would be back.

"Hold your horses, I have to do my lipstick." John said as he reached for the small silver make-up bag. He'd swiped it from one of the divas when she wasn't looking. As soon as he could, he was going to make sure the quilted bag made it back to its rightful owner. After a minute of digging through the bag, John made a sound of triumph. He turned to Randy, holding a tube of lipstick in each hand.

"Which one: Pink Flamingo or Wicked in Red?" John asked.

Randy stared at John in amazement. He had seriously lost all his marbles. What the hell difference did it make?

"Just pick one!" Randy hissed.

"Pink Flamingo or Wicked in Red?" John asked again, shaking each of the tubes at him in turn.

Randy knew he was fighting a losing battle. After a long moment, he rolled his eyes.

"Pink Flamingo." Randy said.

"That's what I was thinking." John said as he tossed the other tube back into the bag. Randy watched with a mix of amazement and horror as John leaned into the mirror and deftly applied a thick coat of lipstick. _Where in the name of holy hell did he learned to do that? _Randy thought.

John leaned back and stood up straight, looking at his reflection. He nodded once before blowing a kiss at the woman staring back at him.

"Will you come on?" Randy asked. He was going to kill John if he didn't get the lead out.

"Hold on! Let me get my purse!" John said as he quick stepped over to the bed. He slightly squatted down and picked up a dainty paisley colored purse. He held it by the gold chain as he grabbed his cellphone and the room key.

"Now we can go." he said.

Randy opened the door without a word and let John proceed him into the hall. John made a dash down the hall toward the elevator. Randy shook his head as he watched John come to a precarious stop next to the elevator. He wobbled a moment on his heels before catching his balance. John hit the down button on the elevator as he turned to look at Randy.

Glancing both right and left down the hall, Randy made sure the coast was clear. The last thing he needed was for the guys on the roster catching them red handed, so to speak. Sure, they all pulled their share of practical jokes, but this would be THE joke that would go do in WWE history. Randy quickly stepped into the hall and closed the door behind him. He smoothed a hand over his hip before glancing down the hall at John. Randy tried to keep his movements smooth and liquid as he strolled slowly down the hall. He came to stand beside John. As they waited for the elevator, Randy began to pray. He prayed that they wouldn't get caught. He prayed that they made it back to the hotel in one piece. He prayed that John didn't lose his purse and the room key.

After nearly ten minutes of circling the block, John spied a parking spot close to the doors of _The Disco Club._ It was the same club his girlfriend and her friends always started out at. They would meet in the darkened interior and throw back a couple of Cosmos before doing God-only-knew what. The fact the she never told John what happened on these adventures had spurned this idea. He was dying to know what she did and he was going to find out even if it killed him. John pulled the car into the parking spot and quickly shut off the engine. He reached up and flipped the visor down. Giving himself one last glance, John looked at Randy.

"If you see anything, you better tell me." John said.

Randy nodded as he reached for the door handle. He quickly exited the car and waited as John came around the front. Together they crossed the street. Randy quickly stepped up onto the sidewalk and turned to wait for John. After several long moments of staring at the curb, John finally did an awkward little hop to get onto the sidewalk.

Randy turned his back to the gathered crowd and glared at John. "What is wrong with you?" He hissed.

"These shoes are killing me." John whispered as he slung his purse over his shoulder.

"I told you to wear flats." Randy said as he looked down at his shoes. The were stylish yet sensible. The best part was, they hadn't required a pedicure. Unlike somebody else.

"How many times do I have to tell you, those flats didn't look right with this outfit." John hissed as he craned his neck to look at the line of people waiting to get into the club. He patted Randy's arm as he pointed to the group of girls near the entrance. " Look, they're already in line."

John grabbed Randy's arm and tugged him toward the waiting line. He flashed what he hoped was a cute smile as he cut in font of two tall A&F looking guys. Randy was silent as he kept one eye on the girls as they moved into the building. He hoped like hell they wouldn't have to wait outside very long. The longer they were standing in front of God and everybody, the risk of them being spotted grew. That was just not something they could afford to deal with. The line crept along slowly. After nearly fifteen minutes, Randy was ready to tell John to forget it. Just as Randy opened his mouth, the beefy security guard lifted the gold rope and motioned for them to enter.

John grabbed Randy's arm and pulled him quickly through the double doors. He wanted to make sure they were inside before the bouncer changed his mind and made them wait even longer. The club was a semi-dark space. The entire place was crammed full of a sea of living flesh. Bodies were pressed closed together, barely allowing them to take more than a few steps at a time. John craned his neck to see if he could tell where Kristen had gone. He could barely spot her across the crowded room. She and her girlfriends had swiped a table from another group that was leaving.

Randy gasped in surprise as John jerked him towards the bar. John slid into the first empty seat, leaving Randy to stand behind his stool.

"Can you see them?" John asked. From his vantage point, he had occasional glimpses of the table in question.

Randy stood on tiptoes and scanned the room. "They're ordering drinks." he said.

John grunted softly in response then returned his attention to spying.

"What's happening now?" John asked in a low voice.

Randy leaned down to make sure John heard him as he said, "I don't know, some dumb ass is blocking my view."

John made a noise under his breath as he reached for a napkin. He carefully dabbed at his brow and his cheeks. He was very careful not to smear his makeup. Damn, being a woman was incredibly hot. No wonder Kristen was grumpy so often. "It's hot in here." John said.

"Then order a drink." Randy leaned closer to John so he didn't have to shout.

John shook his head and said, "I can't, I'm the DD, remember?"

Randy rolled his eyes towards the ceiling as he shook his head. He swore by all that was dear to him, if they survived the night, he was going to strangle John. Straining to get a look at the table, Randy stood on his tiptoes again. He couldn't see much of anything. He strained harder, weaving slightly to see around the mountain of a man that was blocking his view. Randy locked eyes with the guy and made a small motion with his head. He hoped the guy would take a hint and move his large ass. Randy leaned his head to the side again and pointedly looked at the man. Randy froze as he realized the guy was apparently as dumb as he was big. The guy took Randy's motion to mean, 'come get me, big boy' and he started making a beeline towards them. Randy elbowed John hard in the ribs to get his attention.

John's eyes widened as he watched the man push a scantily clad girl out of his path. He came to stand next to Randy. His dark eyes raked over them, taking in every detail.

"Hey there, ladies, I'm Bobby. Can I buy you a drink?" the big man said as he moved to stand just a little closer to Randy.

John exchanged a desperate look at Randy. Randy stared back at John wide eyed. What the hell were they supposed to do now?

Bobby leaned across John, his hand slightly brushing against his knee. John's hand balled into a fist. Randy caught the subtle movement and placed his hand over John's. He shook his head quickly and shot John a pleading look.

"So what's your name?" Bobby's eyes flicked to Randy. Randy realized the big oaf was just being polite. John had captured his undivided attention.

John looked at Randy with pleading eyes. He opened his mouth to speak then quickly shut it. He attempted to speak several times, only nothing would come out.

"I'm Brandy. This is John. . . " Randy stumbled over the words.

John forced a smile and said, "I'm Johnna."

Bobby looked between the two of them and smiled. "I've never seen you girls here. You new in town?" he asked.

John nodded slightly. He really wasn't in the mood to have to fend off the advances of some overgrown dickhead that reeked of Old Spice.

"So you're Johnna, huh? That's a pretty name." Bobbie said.

John's mouth hit fell open as Bobby took another step closer. He was close enough that the scent of Old Spice was nearly choking. "Th-Thank you." John stammered.

Bobby reached across the bar again, this time his thigh brushed John's. John recoiled slightly. He sure has never expected to be hit on. This was not part of the plan. All they were supposed to do was trail the girls and see what happened. He hadn't expected to fend off the advances of a big buffoon.

"Do you want to dance with me?" Bobby asked.

John looked at Bobby with horror written all over his face. No way in hell was that going to happen.

"I-I-I don't th-think so." John stammered.

Randy shot John a hard look. Since when did John stutter? Boy, he really was playing the part, wasn't he.

"Come on, baby, you know ol' Bobby will take good care of you." Bobby grabbed John's purse from his lap and handed it roughly to Randy. "Hold that, honey. Me and Johnna are gonna dance."

Bobby reached for John's hand and tugged hard. When John didn't budge from the seat, Bobby's smile slipped slightly. "I s-s-said n-n-no." John stammered again.

Bobby pulled hard again and managed to dislodge John from his seat. Suddenly concerned, Randy reached over and grabbed Bobby's hand.

"She said no." Randy said.

"Why don't you do yourself a favor and go back to the Kennel Club?" Bobby sneered at Randy as he jerked John roughly against his side.

Without thinking, Randy pulled back with his arm and let a sharp right hook fly. It caught Bobby square in the nose. Bobby howled in pain and dropped John's hand. His right hand flew to his nose. He drew his hand back and saw the dots of blood there. The bitch had just busted his nose! With a roar, Bobby charged at Randy. Randy grabbed Bobby by the arm and slammed him into the bar. Bobby let loose a grunt and Randy sent his fist flying again. Grabbing his purse from the floor, John stared at Randy in horror. They had to get the hell out of there before the cops came. No way in hell were they going to Miami's Central Booking like this. John grabbed Randy's arm and jerked hard, preventing Randy from smashing Bobby's face into the bar.

"Let's roll." John said as he glanced at the two burly security guards making their way over to the bar.

That was all it took to send Randy dashing for the door. John took a long moment and looked at Bobby. He totally had a new respect for women and the hell they went through just because some dickhead wouldn't take no for an answer. There was no excuse for it. Suddenly overwhelmed with outrage, John swung his purse hard at Bobby, catching him square in the back. Without a second glance, John made a mad beeline for the door.

It was sometime after 4 A.M. When the front door opened. John's girlfriend, Kristen, entered on silent feet. She quickly moved into the kitchen and poured herself a tall glass of milk before heading upstairs to the bedroom. She found John propped up in bed channel surfing. She sat the glass of milk down on the bedside table and smiled. She leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to his lips.

"Did you have a good time?" John asked.

Kristen burst into gales of laughter as she kicked off her shoes. She moved into the bathroom and began taking off her jewelry.

"You should have seen it. There was a huge scene! There were these two women that got into a fight with this really big dude. John, you should have seen how _ugly _ they were. Oh my God! I have never seen anything that ugly in my life. Anyways, this big guy was hitting on the blonde. I guess he got fresh. One minute the blonde is sitting there, the next minute the dark-haired girl knocked his lights out. I mean, BAM! One hit and the guy went down!"

She stepped back into the room, hairbrush clutched in hand. "That wasn't the funny part. After the dark-haired one decked him, the blonde hit him with her purse."

John stared at Kristen with an entirely expressionless face. There was absolutely no humor in his expression. Kristen sighed as she leaned against the door frame. Usually John would have laughed at a story like that. It didn't take much to amuse him.

"Guess you had to be there." Kristen said softly. She stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

Once the door was closed, John shook his head and started laughing. He laughed until his sides hurt and tears rolled down his face, "If you only knew."

*****A/N – Please review!*****


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